There were some half a million jobs lost in January, and if you’re a republican I’m guessing  it’s Obama’s fault. If you’re just plain broke, then you probably don’t give a fuck as long as you’re still employed – and what’s most pressing on your mind is how to feed yourself.

Enter Tuna.

The canned version of the Chicken of the Sea is a carnivore’s best friend come hard economic times. However, there are a few things to note about Tuna, particularly the different variations. If you’re really hard up, you can grab it for as low as $0.65 per can, although it’s a slightly mixed melody of goodness; tuna, shrimp, and even a touch of cranberry powder! Have a little extra left over from your unemployment check? Then go ahead and splurge! For around $2 a pop, you can have some not-all-that-oily Albacore Chuck White, found in almost any grocery store. They even have it in resealable bags, in case you’re on the go or happen to be homeless and don’t have access to a can opener.

Something else you might want to consider is appearance. Maybe you’re having a few friends over for dinner… buffet style. While you might save enough on the cat food version to stock your cooler with Colt 45, it’s not going to look as appetizing a spread as the Chunk. Let’s be honest. It’s going to be brown and nasty as fuck, and it’s going to smell like ass.

Chunky, white, 'I still got a job' version.

Cheap, brown, cat food version.

There is also the issue of health. Tuna is full of mercury and canned in oil; read ‘loss of motor skills due to being fat and retarded’. But if you’re starving, fuck it, right? I mean, it’s that or Ramen, which has an absurdly high amount of sodium and maybe even dioxin or some other hormone-like yumminess.

Last, I’d like to briefly talk about food accompaniments. Again, if you’re poor as shit, it doesn’t matter, you’ll be eating it as-is. But for those of us more fortunate, there are so many options. First, spice up the tuna itself. After you drain the water oil, add a little Duke’s Mayo – don’t fuck with the ‘lite’ shit – and if you’re old school maybe even a bit of pickle relish. Then it’s do as you dream. Toast, bagels, pita (tortillas h0zae?), saltines, you name it! Wheat Thins are one of my favorites. The possibilities are truly endless. And then? Chase it with a cheap beer and call it a meal.

Think you’re a chef? Maybe you have your own personal tuna touch you’d like to share? Tell us how you dress up the pink fish to keep from gagging.